All of those disappointed faces over my decision. All of those endless "why oh why..." All of those lectures... Honestly I can't say this is the right thing to do.... I even can't say I'm at peace with it...  But I do pray and have to believe that it will turn out for the best

Am I falling?

Getting attached to you... I'm afraid now.... what should I do if it isn't just a simple crush on? I don't want to fall in love with you... Not yet... Not now...

Jealous

Get jealous over your past... Ridiculous! Ridiculous! But I can't help it....

Love and Marriage

A student ask a teacher, "what is love?"

The teacher said, "in order to answer your question,

go to the paddy field and choose the biggest paddy and come back.

But the rule is: you can go through them only once and cannot turn back to pick."

The student went to the field, go through first row, he saw one big paddy,

but he wonders....may be there is a bigger one later.

Then he saw another bigger one... but may be there is a even bigger one waiting for him.

Later, when he finished more than half of the paddy field,

he start to realise that the paddy is not as big as the previous one he saw,

he know he has missed the biggest one, and he regretted.

So, he ended up went back to the teacher with empty hand.

The teacher told him, "...this is love... you keep looking for a

better one, but when later you realise, you have already miss the person...."

"What is marriage then?" the student asked.

The teacher said, "in order to answer your question,

go to the corn field and choose the biggest corn and come back.

But the rule is: you can go through them only once and cannot turn back to pick."

The student went to the corn field,

this time he is careful not to repeat the previous mistake,

when he reach the middle of the field, he has picked one medium corn that he feel satisfy,

and come back to the teacher.

The teacher told him, "this time you bring back a corn.... you look

for one that is just nice, and you have faith and believe this is the best one

you get.... this is marriage."

got it from my friend's email

I hate my self more

I hate you
yes we broke up but you didn't need to rub it on my face by patting her hand in public, and ignoring me

I hate you
for calling me after that and asking how I feel

But I hate my self more than I hate you
For letting you know that you've hurt me

Sweet Nothing

sweet nothing
he whispered
sweet...
nothing....
she was a fool
she is a fool
she never learn...
she never learn...

Irony

Ironic is when your mobile ringed and you were wishing that it was your boyfriend at last remember that he had not contacted you for the last few days but found out it was your ex texted that he miss you...

HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU IF HE DOESN’T WANT TO MARRY YOU: Love curescommitment-phobia.

Chapter 7: HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU IF HE DOESN’T WANT TO MARRY YOU: Love cures commitment-phobia.
•There is nothing wrong with wanting to get married. You shouldn’t feel ashamed, needy, or “unliberated” for wanting that. So make sure from the start that you pick a guy who shares your views for the future, and if not, move on as quickly as you can. Big plans require big action.
•You are allowed to have aspirations for your future and to know whether the relationship you’re in is going to take you closer to those aspirations or be the demise of them. No amount of money in the world can buy that away from you.
•Don’t spend your time on and give your heart to any guy who makes you wonder about anything related to his feelings for you.
•Don’t let him make you feel stupid about wanting to feel loved.
•Guys said they would have no problem marrying a woman who they were positive was the love of their life. “What kind of knucklehead has a problem marrying the love of his life?”

Ignorance

Ignorance is a bliss. I wish I never ask. I wish I never know.

It's killing

A relationship where you have no confidence how to act is killing

Teasing and Mocking

Teasing and mocking... it can be used to tell the same words...but when the first one may create a positive feeling the second one is only able to create a negative one. You might say that you said it in the same tone as he had done. But in truth, you did not and I would not take those words kindly.

I can't shake these feelings

I can't shake this feeling, a perfect mixture of sadness and happiness, each time I see your pictures. Did you know how much I miss you? Did you know that I may get engage soon?!!! Will you be happy for me or will you get disappointed over my decision? But somehow I think you will roll on the floor, laughing ahaha

Because you are not him

feeling sad about the way you act lately so I open the pictures file and look at those tons images of us ... silly pictures... stupid face... and beautifully captured moments... I remember you said you will always love me no matter what.... I also remember that you said out of 10 my annoying level is always 10 but you don't mind... it feels just like someone turn on a light in my head, looking back at those pictures made me realize that the tidy, calm, success, and happily married man who act guarded around me is not my close friend. My close friend, is a man with curly long hair, wearing casual clothes, driving an old messy car, a single man who love to tease me to the level that I want to drown him in the river. So, there is no need for me to be sad! Because you are not him.

I will learn

You said you love me, but somehow I start to doubt it now. It just too easy for you to leave me like this. You said this is a great opportunity for me to learn how to be independent. Such a silly thing to say. You said I should learn how to be a good listener. I will learn to be one but I will also learn to never share my life with anyone else again. How foolish I am to put you so high in my priority list while it seems I never be more than just a mere option for you.

The time is ticking

The time is ticking. Whole day texting, IMing till 4 am, soon all will be inappropriate. You face it calmly. Me? sadly. You have her. Me? alone. Here I am cheering one of the greatest moment in your life, preparing special present for your day and mourning for my loss. Training my self not to reach the phone and send you tons of messages when something cross my mind. Looking to the pop up window contain your last night offline messages, telling my self over and over "do not send a new one". The time is ticking.

Special one

I know you love me. You say it over and over and I believe it. I just wish one in a time of your blissful life with her you will remember me and miss our time together. As you know, I love you with my own weird way. So please do not forget me because I will not forget you ever. You are special for me and will always be.

Be consistent please

Okay, you mad at me. I am not only not your best friend anymore but not even a friend. You asked me to leave you alone. I'm sorry if I still try to reach you. But if you really want me to leave you alone why didn't you just ignore me when I asked "are you still upset?" Why did you send me a messages to remind me to leave you alone few days after I sent you one? Why did not you reply it directly? I still want to be your friend so I try to have you back. You do not want to be my friend so ignore me, maybe some day I will stop. But if you act like this, I will think that despite all of those cruel words that you had thrown at me, you still want me in your life even as an enemy. Please for the first time in your life be consistent. 

And you said you love me

I never expect that we can be friend like this forever, gender is matter. I know the time is coming when simply texting each other will be inappropriate. But to end it like this? saying it so casually? asking me to stop telling you things? asking me to find someone else? and here I am reread all of the messages where you said you love me always

Is it were now?

my existence in your life will be no more than a haze moment in your memory and here I am siting alone and replaying all of our moments over and over again. We are best friend or is it were now? I don't want to understand why we can't stay the same. You said you care but why is it so easy for you to leave me? Ah yes how stupid I am while I sit here alone you have others to share your life with.

Why do I quit?

at the beginning it might all jokes, but when you keep make fun of me and act like it is impossible for me to do all of those things right, unfortunately I start to believe it. so please don't ask why do I quit?